Deseret News Column Focuses on Family Relationships

I'm sorry it's been soooo long since my last post!!  But hey, it's summer.  What can I say?

I came across a column in the Deseret News by Linda and Richard Eyre.  In their Aug. 20, 2012 column, they said, "Over the next several weeks, we are going to write a series on improving our relationships, particularly family relationships."  I'm really interested to see what they have to write over the next few weeks.  Part of their introductory article to this series, called "Relationships: always the top priority?", discusses how our view of the world and relationships leads us to focus on things other than relationships because we're not trained on how to achieve healthy relationships.  I look forward to reading more about their suggestions on how to improve relationships, and I'll continue to share some of their suggestions and my insights.

You can access recent articles by the Eyres at:   http://www.deseretnews.com/author/22836/Linda--Richard-Eyre.html

Divorce: A New Understanding

I'm so glad we talked about this in class this past week.  I feel like I never really understood before how divorced families work.  When you take different people and families and join them together, you're not just making a new family.  You're combining everyone's traditions, hopes, expectations, parenting styles, insecurities, and whatever else into one place.  There are a lot of things that take a lot of time to work through!!  However, having open, honest communication is helpful in working through many of these problems.  You can't make assumptions about the other person while looking through your lens because the other person is making decisions by looking through a completely different lens.  Only by communicating and working together to fulfill your roles and expectations can you look through the pair of glasses together.

Emotional Intimacy

Ok, I came across this link today, and it's absolutely amazing.  Dr. Athena Staik wrote the article, and she's a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  Please follow this link and read the article:

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2012/07/12-warning-signs-that-its-emotional-infidelity-and-not-just-friendship/

It's so important for us to be emotionally close to our spouse and no one else!!  Knowing these warning signs will help people not get into dangerous situations and behaviors unintentionally.  Being informed is the first step to prevention.

Parenting

I loved discussing parenting in class last week.  I guess I never really thought about it, but parenting is more than just raising kids.  It's guiding them, helping them recognize their potential, and leading them (to a point) back to our Father in Heaven.  Essentially, it's helping them "survive and thrive" (Michael Popkin) in this world and society.  In order to do this, we need to be the best people we can possibly be.  Without good examples and role models, kids will only grow up with mixed messages and confused about their place in this crazy world.  With help from the Lord and from the many angels He places in our lives, we can do all things, even parenting.

Fatherhood

There's a great article I read that points out key ways fathers can be more involved in the home and in their children's lives:

Hartwell-Walker, M. (2008). Fathering in America: What’s a Dad Supposed to Do?. Psych Central. Retrieved on June 28, 2012, from http://psychcentral.com/lib/2008/fathering-in-america-whats-a-dad-supposed-to-do/

Fathers are so important in the home.  They have critical roles to preside, provide, and protect in the home, and knowing simple ways to make that happen helps us to get there.  Remember to support the men and father-figures in your life.  They do a lot for us that is taken for granted, and, even if you're not close, you should tell them thank you for the things they have done.  They need to have positive reinforcement and encouragement just like anyone else.  :) 

You Never Need to Stand Alone

"God never intended that His children should stand alone. Children have parents, and parents have the Church, with the scriptures, living prophets and Apostles, and the Holy Ghost, to help them understand proper principles and act upon those principles in fulfilling their parental responsibilities." - M. Russel Ballard, "Strength in Counsel", Oct. 1993.  


I often hear women say that they don't know how to raise kids or what they're doing.  They're concerned that they won't be able to lead their children in the correct paths and help them navigate in this crazy world.  Honestly, I've had similar concerns myself.  However, it's important to remember that you are never alone; the Lord has provided many resources for us to use to be successful parents and leaders.  I think it's especially important to be receptive to and follow the guidance of the Holy Ghost.  With the Lord leading you, you can never go wrong!!  Do your best and leave the rest up to Him.  Everything will work out one day.  

Temporal vs. Eternal

"We tend to think temporally.  We don't see the eternal ramifications of choices."  -Michael Williams.  In our discussion in class, we talked about the importance of viewing "family crises" with an eternal perspective.  We tend to get caught up in the moment, and whatever's going on is magnified to completely fill our view.  During these times, our choice of reaction and behaviors will completely alter our experiences, for better or for worse.  Remember to communicate with others in the family, whether they're involved or not.  Even if they don't seem to be involved, they are affected by your actions, and they need to know what's going on to be able to adjust to the situation appropriately.  From a spiritual perspective, pray together as a couple or as a family, and follow the Spirit.  Keeping an eternal perspective will allow you to work through the hard times and be better for them.

Physical Intimacy

Physical intimacy is not the main part of the marriage, but it can be a measure of how well you're doing in other parts of the relationship.  "If we focused only on the physiology of responses in marriage, we'd miss out on most of it." -Michael Williams.  Remember that, even though physical intimacy is an important and good expression of love, it's not the main focus of the relationship; don't be so consumed by the all physical things that the rest of your relationship suffers.  There's balance in everything in life, and having strong communication and a solid relationship in general will make physical intimacy better as well.

Beginning Marriage

Does it really matter how people begin marriage?  YES!!  How you start a marriage sets you on a path that you will continue to follow through your marriage (unless some huge event changes it).  The routines you begin will set the patterns for how you handle things in the future, so it's important to start out your marriage right.  This means that you must have a lot of communication, make decisions together, take time for each other, keep and eternal perspective, and continually build your relationship through experience and change.  I think the most important part of this is communication:  you must be willing and able to talk things through and discuss what works or doesn't work for each person in the relationship.  Starting out on a solid basis makes the marriage more stable throughout.  As Michael Williams said in class, "Wise couples anticipate and work with these (marriage problems) early on."  Follow his advice, and do all you can to start off your marriage right.

What you don't need...

"You can never get enough of what you don't need because what you don't need can't satisfy you."  - Michael Williams, Marriage & Family Therapist.

I've thought a lot about this since Thursday when Brother Williams made this comment in class.  This applies to everything, including money, toys, clothes, vacations, drugs, pornography, candy/desserts, internet, video games, Facebook, etc.  The list goes on and on.  The things you don't need will never be enough to satisfy your cravings for them because they CANNOT satisfy you.  There may be some temporary pleasure involved, but it will never be lasting joy.

In the context of the family, this is one huge reason why people who marry for sexual purposes aren't satisfied; their marriages often don't last because they're built on something that can't satisfy them.  While physical intimacy in marriage is important, that can't be your main reason for marrying.  If so, you're going to really struggle to make your marriage last and be fulfilling.

"Gay" By Society

When people see a little boy cooking, playing with dolls, and dressing up, often the thought crosses their mind that the boy will be gay when he grows up.  Honestly, this very thought has crossed my mind before, sometimes multiple times.  This mentality and terminology has become an integrated, fundamental part of our society.  Is this good or bad?  I believe that this mentality will continue to perpetuate our problem with people identifying as gay and lesbian, and things will continue to go downhill.

What's so wrong with boys being artistic, domestic, and sensitive?  These traits are desirable and good, and limiting these qualities to girls is depriving boys of good, wholesome experiences.  These very qualities are often what I think of when I think of Christ; He is loving and kind to everyone, and He's sensitive to others' needs and desires.  I think boys who act this way should not be labeled as "gay", especially since "gay" is something we've invented and created in our world.

Social Class

Social Class:  Does it influence families and their capacity to meet the needs, purposes, and responsibilities? We discussed this question in some depth in class this week, and it really got  me thinking and evaluating my own ideas about families and social class.  I do believe that social class influences family.  To say it has no effect would be naive because society is always affecting family and family is always affecting society.  However, I don't think social class has as big of an influence on the CAPACITY of a family to be functional.  Families in any economic situation can meet the needs, purposes, and responsibilities of a family; it just might take extra effort for some.

Looking at families, I don't think social class has much to do with how well they function.  Families in any social class, from the dirt poor to the extreme rich, can be completely capable and functional in fulfilling their purposes, and families in those same categories can be extremely disfunctional and disjointed.  I believe the matter is more about the individual choices of the family and its members; personal decisions are the key factor in whether a family will be functional or not, regardless of social class.

Don't Delay

In class earlier this week, we talked about the reasons for and importance of having a family. One thing that really stuck out to me was a quote from President Spencer W. Kimball (see "John and Mary, Beginning Life Together", New Era, June 1975).  President Kimball talks about how young people should "not postpone [marriage and] parenthood. There will be rationalists who will name to you numerous reasons for postponement. Of course, it will be harder to get your college degrees or your financial start with a family, but strength like yours will be undaunted in the face of difficult obstacles." 

Even though it's hard, it's critically important to put the family unit first in our lives, before anything else.  Family has a HUGE impact on society; everything about the family affects society, and everything about society affects the family.  So, we need to get out of the mindset of so many people in the world, and we need to start getting married and having families.  Delaying either of these is eventually destructive and doesn't help us fulfill our purpose for being here on the earth.   I know this is easier said then done, but we must change our perspective about the family to be in accordance with God's will for us.  Let us do all we can listen to a prophet of God and do what He needs us to do. 

Note to Classmates

If you're in my family relations class, please check and make sure you're on my blog list and that it connects to your site.  I think I got everyone, but it's quite probable that I missed someone or typed something wrong.  Just reply to this post with the correct info, and I'll fix it ASAP.  Thanks!! :)

In the beginning...

Welcome to my blog!!   I'll be using this blog to record what I've learned in my Family Relations class, as well as ideas, insights, and questions I have relating to the family and the relationships we form with other people.  Please feel free to comment and discuss anything I put on this site.  My hope is to have a blog full of thoughts, references, resources, and discussions to learn from and draw on at future times.  Your input is appreciated!!  :)